Perseverance

Okay, so let's talk about working through shit. I just gave a presentation on my thesis less than 4 hours ago as of this writing. I feel like I blew it. Like really, really badly. I went first and I couldn't help but compare how well everyone else did after me. I missed lines I had written, no one laughed at anything I really said, and I thought I had hurt my advisor's feelings by misrepresenting her.

Everyone then came up to me and told me that I did a great job. My advisor had no idea what I was talking about when I apologized to her. But it was too late, I shut down completely and just wanted to disappear. I then left dinner early to go home and shower.

Why do I do this constantly? Why am I always my harshest critic? Why can't I take anyone at face value when they compliment me?

I'm not sure the reason, but I feel like I'm not alone in it. My advisor doesn't really seem to have confidence in herself, even though she's great. I feel like that a lot of people are way more insecure than they need to be. At least that's been my experience since going to grad school. A lot of my classmates doing the best work at this school seem to feel like total inadequate failures.

Today I also did the spot blacks on my now untitled new comic (formerly called Salakjet). The thing is I suck at doing spot blacks because I do them with a brush, which I barely have any control over. So I messed up my pages.

Why am I unloading this all here? Well honestly, it's because I fucked up a lot of things today, But, I will push through it. I will forget my humiliation at my presentation today, and the practice will help me if I need to talk to an audience about my work in the future. I will fix all my pages in photoshop. You can't be so embarrassed about the mistakes you make that it paralyzes you, that it stops you from moving forward, that it stops you from  continuing to create. You just gotta stomach the fact that you fucked up, feel insecure and shitty about what you did/ who you are, and keep moving forward. If you wanna accomplish anything EVER, you just gotta swallow your self loathing and continue doing what you're doing.

Is this the guaranteed key to success? No, there is no guarantee of that. But giving up is the only guaranteed way you will fail. So, like, what else am I supposed to do? I gotta keep going. We all have to keep going.